when i was seventeen.

i wrote this, a long time ago,and as noted,it was sometime ago during valentines.regardless, my feelings has not changed and evry word is still true. :)

title: Be my valentine?

Its that time of the year again. When love overrules all,so they say,as couples keep on wooing each other,or thinking of ways how to.Staring at my handphone,flicking through pictures, and ashlee wentz’s voice spelling out L-O-V-E on my apple,all I did was let out a sigh.Not too long,not that brief. ‘Another lonely valentine,” I let out, realizing my sister echoing the same sentence,juz before I finished it. “HUH” and our talk was dismissed with that one miserable syllable.

Then, a few days after, I saw this Oprah Show ad. ‘you don’t need sumone you love to celebrate it’,well it sounded something like that.Subsequently,as if the lights from heaven shone on my halo,I snapped out from my fantasies,of having the best boyfriend,and went back into reality.

Everything that matters to me,EVERYone I loved is right in front of me. Loving me unconditionally,supporting me all the way.

Love makes the world go round,and in my life,LOVE IS MY AIR.

One wise gal once said to me “stop looking for love because you’ve got it right in front of you.You’re surrounded by people who love you so why cant you just stop and see that, and love them back,” be in the present.Live in the now.

I'm bestowed by god,such a lovely gift of life. My 17 years on earth was filled with the right amount of bittersweet experiences. First,although Im not like any ordinary skinny,pretty girl, im most thankful that I have all my fingers and toes intact,my limbs are still there,attached to my body.im thankful for that,bcuz some kids, as I see infront of my very own eyes,had their limbs cut off by their masters,so that people will sympathise more and give them money. I don’t have to go from car to car,begging from money,like those kids in Indonesia,who only end up giving all the money to their master just as a trade for a place to sleep in,and food just to fill their growling tummies.Alhamdulillah,wa syukur lillah.

My family is the best.I mean,what kind of dad will agree to me buying one soda top on impulse just like that?And,what kind of mother,offers to splurge on her daughters,with not only occasional shopping sprees,but also,bali getaways,facial treatment and also a spa session?And,its not just about the treats,its about how they show they love me.

I feel like crying everytime I get sick,bcuz my mother will always be there by my side,with a wet towel,offering me to cook anything I wish to eat. She’s the one who’ll be rummaging through the drawer to look for panadol,loratadine or piriton. And when I was 15,and felt like a total looser,with a sucking life,and just about ready to enter great depression, my mom was there. Her words were like the rhythm of the harp,soothing the eras of a roman emperor. It was absorbed right into my soul and gave me new hopes, new dreams.new determination,and new life.

And although my dad is seldomly around,since his trips to penang and k.l seem to multiply weekly,I know how much he loves me,everytime he tries his lame jokes on me,juz to create a conversation between us. My dad. He knows me more than I know myself,sumtimes. And at the times least expected, he’d dart out words of wisdom, advices on how to live and get on your life. He’d tell us abut the plans he had,how much money he’s been saving in the bank,how much bonds he’d invested,so that when the account is mature,we can use it to buy a brand new BMW.He didn want us to feel beein in a crappy old car with water leaking through the roof, just like what he went through in his early years of marriages. Being the son of a humble paddy man, and helping his mom sell kueh since childhood he has acquainted well with the pain of poverty, and he would do anything,anything so that we would never even have to think about going through it again.

My one and only sister is like the me I wish I could have been. Yeah,sumtimes she’s too rigid and goes by every rule, regulation and so on. Its normal,I guess, since im d nortorious devil, there’s gotta be one heavenly angel in d family. N so she is. When I sit beside her,pple often confuse us as frens and weirder,twins;despite the fact that im taller,darker and way different from what she looks like. Case is like my girlfriend-boyfriend-sister-mother-friend. One that really spoils me and splurges on me. One dat’ll fall for my “cute puppy eye” every time they shine. One dat lets me drive hectically(but includes a long lecture session after each drive )We used to fight a lot. Constantly infact that it was almost a routine. Banging doors, telling on each other either to ma or pa, and to occasionally practice the silent treatment. There’s still one old photo of me hitting her defenseless body lying on d floor with my small palms(yup,dats me, brutal then, now, and forever).Well.i guess sum dead old mans saying that ‘absence makes d heart grow fonder’ is true. Since we’ve been apart for so long,evrytime she comes back for holidays we’ll be kamcheng like best frens who were separated in primary school. Case does not only listen but speaks her heart out in return. She does not only wipe my tears but she’ll surely replace it with a smile and giggles.she’ll take me to the sky when im ground low,and she’ll bring me back down whenever im too high. This is d person dat shared wif me everything, including the womb we were both contained in.

And my sixteen gaffixs. We are beyond friends,beyond sisters,beyond any other thing dat has limits contained. Eventho we just started to know each other for two years,d fact that we growed into our tween age together made me feel that I’ve known u guys for more than a lifetime. Like,maybe in our past lives. D sleepovers, baking session, gossip zone, jumping in d rain, bed room clubbing, swimming,guy surfing, face scribbling…(it’ll take me all day to list all our activities.). Evry moment with you guys are the sweetest and it will last. This will last.WE will last.and in the future, a stronger force of US will come together and rule d world!!!

Being a sensitive person,crying to p/s I love u and sobbing over a cheesy episode of ugly betty, its not surprising dat my eyes are moistenin while typing this out. I don’t know any other grandiloquent way to end this, but heres wut I’ll say to all d people I love. When I’m gone one day,just remember and know dat,I have never gone though an hour out of d 24 we have per day without loving you. You guys r my life and I dedicate evry breath i took, evry chuckle I snorted, every tear I cried for you. Please know dat ur presence in my life are like angels wif halos leadin me far from astray.these mere three words are still not enough but keep in mind dat it comes from my true heart.

I

love

you.