Detachment.

wow.like seriously,wow.super-ultra-giga-hyper-wow. (alright,thats over exaggerating)

its been a looong while since i last posted.and its not that i lost my jiwang-ness,or theres nothing to write,or any sort of similar excuse,its just that,i hav all of it accumulated in my head,like an imaginary post floating in my cerebrum.if not,it's in my iPod notes.waiting to be posted at the right time,which,i just cant seem to find. =='

honestly,i can officially say that i am a two month old,first sem student of MBBS in IMU.two months of just the very beginning,yet, a heap of uncertainties and questions are playing hide and seek in my head. papa says that i think too much.bt if it were true,i must be sum kinda genius by now,ryte?dissecting and analysing each fact i learn..well,truth is, i'm not.

i hav'nt found my constant study push yet here so i basically stay at the library.(on certain days,that is==').sigh~ and seeing my sister come home from work (shes in her housemanship) everyday,telling me about her day, crying sometimes, just,is not doing a big favour for me.;(

i mean,i love medicine.i love learning about all these amazing things on anatomy,physiology and so on.i love the fact that one day,my job will be helping people out,easing their pain, making them smile back, and hopefully,to save lives,insyaAllah.

but then, the emotional detachment part..is..HARD.seriously,i cant imagine how,and when will i b able to gain this amazing strength.when??

last week i went to my hospital visit in Hosp PD,and there was a toddler in the ward.i think he was put on sum kinda anaesthesia.and the dr. was trying to inject some medication too but his little cry was so loud.not the normal cry you hear when a kid is groaning n stumping their feet when they're not happy.but this is a cry of pain, a cry full of agony, a cry that weeps and reaches deep inside of you.a cry of discomfort, and a cry of scare.it was a cry calling for help from a helpless little soul.i couldnt see what was happening cuz i was in the next room having a briefing with the staff nurse,but i heard the cry just as loud.and my face changed;i felt this uneasiness inside of me.that visceral pain,coming from my chest. i was clenching my fists hard on the sides of my labcoat.my friend who was on the other end could tell something was wrong and was asking me if i was okay.

truth is, that cry scared me.it brought me thinking to the fact that i will be surrounded by this sort of condition every single day. i HATE seeing pple i love in pain.i HATE seeing pple i love crying.i HATE seeing my friends unhappy and troubled. and now, i just learnt a new fact about me; being that i can barely tolerate seeing people suffering.seeing it right in front of yr eyes.

and one night,my sis was telling me about her patient.who was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer,how her husband cried upon the discovery,and how her kids did not know a thing.Whats so worryingly severe abt stage 4 is,is that it has metastasized.which means that the cancerous cell or tumor has broken off to pieces and are dislodged in various other sites around the body,to stay there,and grow again.

I listened to her story and just kept silent.truthfully,I was on d verge of goin all teary-eyed.there was a warm lump at d back of my throat that wouldn't go away eventho I swallowed hard.

Now,all I can say is,I can't imagine how,I will ever be able to encounter these situations.how to break the news, n how to face the bitter truth;of life and death.

I just can't think abt it anymore now.im exhausted and i know it'll just consume me if i do.

The only thing I hold on to now is pure faith.that Allah has paved this path for me,and that I should go through it wholeheartedly with an open mind,with Islam in my heart,and insyaAllah everything will just fall into place.

evrytime i get too messed up,I talk to god,I pour out evrythg to Him.and alhamdulillah,just at the right times,He sends me angels on earth.just when i was demotivated,having a bad day, one of my close/bestfriend,gave me a ring, heard me out and he too helped:).and my other angels on earth,my friends who make me feel that we are all in the same boat.and alhamdulillah,the best is when people in my life keep reminding me of Him and His power.alhamdulillah,with that,i genuinely can feel 'innallaha ma'ana'.